


I Can't Love You

by BenjiWrites



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Fluff and Angst, Jealous Kageyama Tobio, Jealousy, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:13:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29064129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BenjiWrites/pseuds/BenjiWrites
Summary: After Kageyama saves Hinata from almost being killed, Kageyama starts to become aware that his feelings towards Hinata are a little deeper than he thought they were before.~~~~A slow burn fic that gets dirtier and dirtier as the chapters go on
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Nishinoya Yuu
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	1. Watch Out

Kageyama trudged down the street beside Hinata, Suga, and Tanaka. Kageyama had been planning on walking home alone after practice, but Suga and Tanaka made him come along to encourage “bonding” and “relationships” or whatever. This greatly annoyed Kageyama because he didn’t want to bond or have relationships, he simply wanted to play volleyball, win, and go home. He didn’t understand why all the second and third years thought that spending time together off the court would somehow improve their playing on the court. In fact, in his opinion, that only made things worse because then things like favoritism started to come into play. No, things were always better to keep things like this separate. 

The worst part about being forced to spend time with his teammates, by far, was having to spend time with Hinata. He had only known the small boy for two weeks, but his constant smiling and overflowing excitement got on his nerves more than anything. For example, Hinata was currently blathering on and on about...whatever it was Hinata talked about. Kageyama did his best to not pay attention if it wasn’t directly related to volleyball. He didn’t know how he was going to get through seeing Hinata almost everyday for the rest of the school year, never mind the next three.

With a sigh, Kageyama turned his eyes up toward the sky, which was slowly becoming tinted in red and orange hues as the sun set. It gave everything a golden sheen. Kageyama’s eyes trailed over it all, admiring the beauty. His eyes settled on Hinata’s hair; usually an obscene color of pumpkin orange, the light shifted it more to the color of a leaf in autumn. Kageyama tilted his head, noticing as he did so that the light almost seemed to make Hinata’s hair...glow.

“Hello? Anyone home?” Tanaka flapped his hand in Kageyama’s face.

Kageyama blinked and said, “What?”

“You’ve been glaring at Hinata all creepy like for the past two minutes.”

“Oh.” Kageyama frowned and turned away. “I was just zoning out at all.”

“Jez, if you guys don’t get it together Daichi might not let you play in the upcoming game,” Suga said, rubbing the back of his head.

Kageyama’s hands clenched into fists. “Whatever,” he said, spinning on his heel and taking off in the direction of his house. As he marched along, the whine of an approaching engine and the squeal of tires rose in the air.

Behind him, he heard a cry. “Hinata, look out!”

He whirled around in time to see a car whip around the corner, it’s back end fishtailing, the driver losing control. Hinata was standing in the middle of the street, both hands on his bike, mouth open at the oncoming car. Kageyama waited for him to run but Hinata stood stock still in the middle of the road.

“Hinata!” Tanaka and Suga yelled. Kageyama flashed past them, pushing his legs harder than he had ever pushed them before. This would be the most important save of his life. He leapt forward, tackling Hinata out of the way just as the car came careening by. There was a sickening scream of metal on metal as the bike was crushed beneath the wheels of the car.

Kageyama’s momentum threw the both of them forward, tumbling over and over until they came to a stop. Kageyama opened his eyes and looked down at the small form cradled in his arms.

“Hinata?” He didn’t move. Kageyama rose to all fours over him. “Hinata, wake up!”

His eyes remained closed. Kageyama’s mind raced, trying desperately to remember what he had been taught in the first aid class he had gone to about a year ago. What were you supposed to do if someone was unconscious? You needed to check if they were breathing, right? Kageyama bent closer.

Hinata’s eyes fluttered open, widening when he noticed how close Kageyama was. With a yelp, Kageyama jumped back, pushing himself off Hinata.

“Hey, are you guys okay?” Tanaka asked, running up to them, Suga in tow.

Kageyama stood. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he muttered.

Hinata pushed himself up into a sitting position, then clutched his head and moaned. “I’m dizzy,” he said.

Suga knelt down next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “You might have a concussion.”

“And I think I hurt my arm.” Hinata held up his left arm to show a large gash starting from his wrist and going halfway down his forearm. Blood gushed from the wound, streaming down his elbow and dripping onto the pavement.

Kageyama watched as Tanaka and Suga fussed over Hinata, pulling towels from their gym bags to staunch the bleeding. “You fucking asshole,” he whispered, then, louder, “You fucking asshole!” All three turned to look at him. “What the hell were you even doing standing in the middle of the fucking street! You almost got both of us killed! I mean, look at your fucking bicycle!” What would once be called a bicycle was now a heap of twisted metal, the two bent wheels being the only thing to hint at what it had once been.

“Kage--,” Tanaka started.

Without listening, Kageyama turned and started pushing his way through the crowd that had begun to form, drawn by the screaming boys and squeal of tires. First he walked, but before he knew it he had broken into a run. He didn’t stop until he had burst through the front door into his apartment, slamming it behind him. Panting, he slid down the wall and curled up on the hard floor. He cradled his head in his hands, the reality of what had just happened crashing into him.

He had almost just died. That was terrifying, but what was more terrifying was one resounding fact; he had almost died and he knew that no one would have cared. Sure, the guys on the team would have been sad, maybe have even missed him a bit in the first few weeks, but he had no doubt that he would quickly fade from their minds. Especially since then they would have his overbearing self out of the way, just like they wanted. He was well aware of the fact that no one liked playing with him, not after what had happened at finals last year.

And would his family care? Well, there was a reason why he was living alone in this apartment. There was a reason why his sobs echoed through the empty rooms, why there was no one there to offer a comforting hand. He had parents, but only in the technical sense, really. When he was in elementary school, and as far back as he could remember before that, his nanny had primarily raised him. He only got to see his parents for an hour before bedtime. When he was in middle school, his parents had him board so that they could travel. Now that he was in high school, he had his own place.

An image popped into his head; a butler walking up to his parents in some resort in a far off place, like Peru. The butler informs them that their son has died. They stare at him for a moment, shocked, before saying, “Son? We have a son?”

Something about this dark thought makes him laugh. He had started sobbing at some point, but now he had calmed. He whipped his nose on his sleeve, noticing how wet he had gotten his shirt with his tears. He felt gross. Slowly, he stood and made his way to the bathroom, feeling unsteady on his feet.

Tugging his shirt and pants off, Kageyama turned the water all the way up. He stepped beneath the scorching stream, relishing in the way it burnt his skin. He scrubbed himself until his skin was raw, then shut off the water and stepped into the bath, sinking beneath the water until only his nose was visible.

His mind replayed the scene in his head, over and over, but slowly it started to linger more and more on one part of the accident; the part where he had been hovering over Hinata, their bodies only inches apart. The thought of it caused a rush of shame to pulse through his body. Tanaka and Suga had surely seen it, had thought that…

Had thought what? That Kageyama was gay? No, they couldn’t have, because Kageyama wasn’t gay and nothing he had done was gay. He had simply saved his teammates life.

But...didn’t it mean something that Suga and Tanaka had simply stood there while Kageyama had thrown himself in harm's way?

No. It meant nothing. How could it?

Kageyama hoisted himself from the bath, pulling the plug and watching the way the water swirled down the drain. He stepped to the mirror, opening it to reveal a cabinet where he kept his toothbrush and other toiletries. He reached for the toothpaste, but paused when his eyes fell on something else; a pack of disposable razors.

It had been a few months since he had last cut. He promised himself he wouldn’t do it anymore after he had accidentally gone too deep after finals and left the bathroom a bloody mess. He had almost had to go to the hospital when it took so long to stop bleeding.

But now, he felt the tug again, the need for release, something to make the pain and the stress of what had happened go away. But he couldn’t, not after last time...but…

 _Just one cut,_ he thought, picking up one of the razors. He brought it to the flesh of his upper thigh, pressing until beads of red sprang up. Seeing it brought back the image of Hinata sitting on the pavement, blood everywhere. Kageyama gritted his teeth and slashed into his flesh again, then a third time. He was finally able to stop himself after the fifth cut, blood running down his leg. With a grunt, he threw the bloody razor in the sink and reached for some bandages and gauze.

Once he had cleaned himself up, Kageyama slithered into bed, not bothering to put pajamas on. He fell into a fitful sleep where he kept seeing the car coming toward Hinata and not being able to get there in time. Hinata died over and over again until Kageyama woke in the early hours of the morning. Rubbing his eyes, he got dressed, grabbed his stuff and headed out the door, not bothering to even try eating breakfast. He trudged toward the school, every other step causing his wounds to gently throb.

As the school gates gradually came into view, so did a mess of orange hair. Kageyama groaned. Why did Hinata have to plague every part of his life?

“What the hell are you doing here so early?” he grumbled as he walked up to Hinata.

“I wanted to make sure I caught you before school,” Hinata said sheepishly. “I...I wanted to thank you. For, you know, saving my life...and all that.”

“Don’t go thinking that I did it because I like you or anything,” Kageyama snapped.

“Oh, yeah, of course not,” said Hinata. He raised his arm, running his hand through his hair. Kageyama noticed it was the same arm he had hurt yesterday, but now it was wrapped from wrist to elbow in gauze.

Kageyama sighed and said, “But I am glad you’re okay. Even if you were standing in the middle of the road like a fucking dumbass. Why didn’t you move?”

“I don’t know. I just...couldn’t.”

“Well...be more careful next time.”

“Yeah, I will.”


	2. Maid Café

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Nishinoya and Hinata eagerly agree to go shopping for supplies, Kageyama gets suspicious and decides to follow them.

“And one last thing before you go,” Takeda said. “Festival day is coming up and we need to buy supplies for our stand.”

“What are we doing for our stand?” asked Hinata, raising his hand.

“We voted on it last week, dumbass,” said Kageyama. “Don’t you remember, or did that concussion give you memory loss, too?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Hinata sadly, looking down at his hands.

Suga leaned over and whispered, “We’re doing a maid café with the girls volleyball team.”

“Oh, yeah!” Hinata perked up as he remembered, causing Kageyama to roll his eyes.

“Like I was saying,” said Takeda, bringing their attention back to him, “we need supplies for our café, so I need two volunteers to go buy everything on this list of supplies.” He brandished a paper. 

“I wanna do it,” said Nishinoya. He grabbed Hinata’s hand, lifting it, and said, “Hinata wants to go, too!”

“Oh? Uh, yeah!”

Kageyama rolled his eyes again. Couldn’t he try to not sound like a country bumpkin? Beside him, Nishinoya and Hinata chattered excitedly.

“We can go now, right after we get changed,” said Nishinoya.

“Race you there!” Hinata cried, jumping up. He and Nishinoya raced out of the gym, shrieking and laughing the whole way. The rest of the team followed behind them. The pair pushed their way through the clubroom door, already halfway through pulling their clothes off. Just as the rest of the team was arriving in the clubroom, Hinata and Nishinoya were off, running down the stairs while still pulling on sneakers and sweaters.

“Bye, guys! See you tomorrow!” they yelled over their shoulders as they disappeared.

Kageyama pulled off his sweaty t-shirt, internally grumbling about how annoying Hinata was.

“Well, it seemed like those two were pretty eager to get out of here,” Suga said.

“Yeah, almost like they had a hot date or something,” Tanaka laughed.

Kageyama paused in the act of putting a clean shirt on. Hot date? Yeah right. Slowly, he pulled off his shorts and stepped into his pants. They had raced out pretty quick, though, which was weird. Kageyama couldn’t even believe that Hinata had asked Nishinoya to race. Racing was _their_ thing.

What was he talking about? Racing was their thing? They didn’t have a thing.

Kageyama pressed his palm into his upper thigh where his half healed cuts were; they burned pleasantly, like pressing on a bruise. Picking up his bag, Kageyama gave a curt goodbye to the rest of his teammates and stepped out into the cooling air.

At the school gates, he paused. If he turned right, he’d be on his way home. But...if he turned left, that was the direction Hinata and Nishinoya had to go to buy their supplies. Kageyama looked toward home, then back toward the shops. He frowned.

 _Well,_ he thought, _that did look like a long list. What if they need help carrying all the stuff?_ With that, he turned left and quickly trotted down the road, peering through windows, looking for the pair. The longer he looked without finding them, the more anxious he felt.

Coming to an intersection, Kageyama paused and took a deep breath. Why was he getting so worked up over this? Over his teammates going to buy supplies together? Why did the thought of that make his head spin?

Maybe this was just because of the accident. He had PTSD and now he was worried something else was going to happen to Hinata.

No, that couldn’t be it. Just thinking about caring about Hinata like that made Kageyama feel nauseous. This was stupid, why was he even here? He should just turn around and go home. Even if Hinata and Nishinoya were on some sort of date (like that would be happening) why would he care?

He turned around to start home, only to see two figures emerge from a store farther up the road. Nishinoya and Hinata stepped onto the sidewalk, each of their arms overflowing with bags. Suddenly terrified of being spotted, Kageyama leapt behind a bush by the sidewalk. Because they were both loudmouths, Kageyama could easily hear what they were saying as the walked down the street toward him.

“Do you think we got enough?” Hinata asked.

“I sure hope so,” Nishinoya said. “I kinda wish someone else had come with us now.”

“Yeah, me too.” 

There was a pause with just the sound of their footsteps coming closer. It sounded as though they were going to pass by without them noticing him, but as they drew closer, Nishinoya suddenly stopped and said, “Can...can I talk to you about something?”

Kageyama suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“Sure.” There was the sound of rustling as bags were placed on a nearby bench. “What did you wanna talk about?”

“I--,” Nishinoya started, then stopped. It took a moment before he tried again. “When I heard about the accident I was...so scared. Suga told me you were in the hospital and I just…” His voice trailed off.

Through the leaves of the bush, Kageyama saw Hinata reach out and pull Nishinoya into a hug. “It’s okay, senpai,” he murmured. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Nishinoya stood for a minute before wrapping his arms around Hinata, pulling him tight and knotting his fingers in the back of Hinata's shirt. Nishinoya buried his head into the crook of Hinata’s neck, savoring the feel of the other boy in his arms.

Kageyama felt something wet drip down his cheek and lifted a hand to wipe it away. What the fuck? Why was he crying?

As soon as Nishinoya and Hinata had disappeared down the street, Kageyama burst from the bush and made his way home, walking quickly, head down and his hands shoved in his pockets. He absentmindedly rubbed at the cuts on his thigh, pushing the pain from pleasure to wincing. When he got home, he pulled his hand from his pocket only to find it wet with blood, having scratched the cuts open again.

He stormed to the bathroom, ripped open the mirrored cabinet, and snatched up a new razor. Pulling down his pants, he slashed at the other thigh.

Why was he feeling this way? He knew better than to get attached. People always let you down, they always leave. What was the purpose of relying on people, of getting close to people if all they were going to do was hurt you in the end? Hinata was already doing it, and he was about as far away as Kageyama could push him. If he pushed him any farther, Kageyama wouldn’t even be on the team, and that wasn’t an option. Volleyball was the only thing that really made him happy in life; he had no idea what he would do if he didn’t at least have that.

He’d have to be much, much stricter with himself if he was ever going to get through this. He had to keep his composure, had to remain the ever strong and silent one. That’s all people ever saw in him, so why pretend any different?

~ ~ ~ ~

Over the next week, he strictly monitored his movement, keeping his distance from Hinata as much as possible while still doing his best to work better on the court with him. He turned his back anytime Hinata wanted a high five for executing a move correctly. He curtly said no when Suga and Tanaka asked him to walk home with them again. He sat against the wall by himself during breaks in practice, sipping from his water bottle and staring at the ceiling.

Things were going well until the day that he arrived at school only to remember that it was festival day; a day in which there were no classes. Instead clubs and other groups would put up stands or other fun things for people to do. It was a great way for students to learn about the different clubs, and for the community to help support those clubs.

Kageyama had completely forgotten. This meant that, instead of spending the few hours of practice with Hinata, he would have to endure the entire school day _and_ practice with Hinata. He moaned and dragged himself to the classroom where their maid café was supposed to take place. Most of the team was already there, arranging tables, putting on table clothes, and setting the tables.

“Ah, there you are, Kageyama,” said Daichi, crossing the room in long strides towards him. “Why don’t you help me put up signs around the school advertising our café?”

“But I--”

“Great!” Daichi shoved him out into the hall and closed the classroom door behind them.

“You couldn’t let me put my bag down first?” Kageyama asked, folding his arms.

“No,” replied Daichi. “What’s going on with you and Hinata? Ever since that day you saved Hinata, you've hated him.”

“I never said that,” snapped Kageyama.

“People don’t just say things with their mouths, stupid. Either way, Hinata’s convinced you hate him and won’t stop crying about it--”

“Hinata’s been crying?” Kageyama asked a little too fast.

Daichi paused. “Well, I haven’t seen it first hand, but--”

Kageyama reached out and snatched the posters Daichi was holding out of his hands. “I’ll go hang up your fucking posters. And tell Hinata he can get that stupid shit out of his head.”

Turning on his heel, Kageyama stormed down the hallway. He slapped posters to the wall not caring if they were right side up or if they even stuck.

Hinata had been crying. Hinata had been crying? Because of him? Kageyama thought about how he had lied in that bush and cried silent tears as Hinata embraced Nishinoya. Had Hinata then gone home and cried tears over him? Why would he do that? Was he that desperate for the King’s approval? Or...was it something a bit more?

His heart jumped to this throat but he beat it back down. He pressed his fingers into his thigh, pain nipping, helping him focus. He didn’t like Hinata, and Hinata didn’t like him. If anything, Hinata liked Nishinoya.

Tossing the rest of the posters in a nearby trash can, Kageyama made his way back to the classroom. He reached out to open the classroom door, but before he could even touch it, the door slid back, Kageyama’s breath catching in his chest at what he saw.

Hinata stood framed in the doorway, a huge smile plastered on his face, which was completely usual. What was unusual, though, was the maid outfit he was wearing. While the outfit would have looked completely outrageous on Kageyama, on Hinata it actually looked pretty cute. The short ruffled skirt drew attention to his strong legs and black paired well with the orange of his hair, making it look less obnoxious than usual.

When Hinata saw Kageyama, he froze, his smile sliding from his face and a look of terror replacing it. Kageyama’s eyes hardened at the sight and he pushed past Hinata into the classroom.

“Done already?” asked Daichi, helping Nishinoya get into his own maid’s costume.

“What the hell?!” yelled Kageyama. “Why are both of you in maid’s costumes? I thought the girls team was doing the maid part!”

“We are,” said Yui, appearing in her own maid outfit. “But two of our girls are sick, and Hinata and Nishinoya are the only ones small enough to fit into the outfits we have available.”

“I think we’ll get twice as many customers now,” said Nishinoya. “I mean, everybody knows that girls can’t resist _this_ …” Nishinoya reached out and grabbed Hinata, pulling him in close and nuzzling at where Hinata’s throat met his chin.

“No, Nishinoya, don’t.” Hinata turned his face away and closed his eyes. He put his hands on Nishinoya’s chest but made no effort to push him away.

The girl’s volleyball team squealed. “So cute!”

Kageyama clenched his fists so hard he could feel his nails digging into his palms. He squeezed tighter, digging deeper and deeper.

A hand touched his back and he jumped. It was just Suga. “Come with me, I’m going to show you what you’re doing today.”

For the rest of the day, Kageyama worked in the cafe, forced to watch Hinata flirt with the girls or be embraced by Nishinoya to the adoring cheers of the patrons. By the time the festival was finally over, Kageyama’s jaw ached from clenching his jaw so much.

Once everything had been cleaned up and put away, Daichi dismissed them for a break before starting practice. The team started slowly heading toward the gym planning on stopping at the vending machines at the way.

Kageyama hung back, then grabbed Hinata’s arm just as he was about to leave the class. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure.”

Nishinoya hovered at the door. Kageyama glared at him until he got the hint and said, “See you later, Hinata.”

Kageyama and Hinata stood for a moment, listening to the chatter of their teammates fade down the hall.

“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” asked Hinata.

“I don’t hate you,” Kageyama spat out.

“What?”

“I said I don’t hate you!” Jez, this kid couldn’t do anything right.

Hinata dropped his eyes to the floor. “Then why have you been…”

“I don’t know,” said Kageyama. “But it doesn’t have anything to do with you. Not everything is about you.”

Hinata flicked his eyes up to meet Kageyama’s. “What is it about, then?”

Kageyama turned away. “Don’t worry about it,” he growled. “Just stop crying so Daichi will leave me alone.”

“Crying?” Hinata’s face slowly got red. “Oh, yeah.”

What was happening now? Was he going to start crying again? No, it seemed like he was okay. Kageyama had said his piece, so he tried to step past Hinata, but Hinata purposefully blocked his path. "Tell me what's wrong Kageyama."

"I told you, it's nothing." Kageyama tried to step past him again, but again Hinata jumped in front of him.

"You can't be upset over nothing. It's got to be something."

"Don't worry about it."

"Kageyama, you can't ignore your feelings, you have to talk to someone about them." Hinata stepped forward, reaching out for him. Terror shot through Kageyama's veins.

With a roar, Kageyama screamed, "Get away from me!" He shoved out at Hinata, wanting to push the boy away. Instead, he pushed too hard, sending Hinata falling to the floor.

Kageyama's hands flew to his mouth. "Hinata, I'm--" He reached out to help Hinata, but Hinata flinched away from him, eyes brimming with tears. Kageyama stepped back and Hinata leapt up, charging out the door and into the hall. Kageyama listened as his footsteps echoed down the hall. He had no doubts who Hinata was running to.


	3. Punishment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After hurting Hinata, the team is not very happy with Kageyama, who must now face his punishment.

Kageyama trudged toward the gym, head down, replaying what had just happened over and over again. How he knocked Hinata to the floor, how Hinata had looked so scared, how he had run away. He had meant to make things better between them but now he had just gone and made things worse.

Approaching the gym, Kageyama could see through the open doors to the group of boys standing inside. They stood in a loose huddle around Hinata, and when they noticed him coming, they all turned and glared at him. Kageyama stopped in his tracks at the hate he could feel radiating his way.

“Kageyama.”

He turned and saw Daichi.

“I told you to make up with Hinata so he would stop crying, not to make him cry.”

“But--I didn’t--I wasn’t--”

Daichi held up a hand. “Just go home. I’ll figure out what to do with you later.”

Kageyama was so shocked he didn’t know what to say. All he could do was watch Daichi walk into the gym and slam the doors shut behind him. Rage pulsed through Kageyama’s body; he looked for something to kick or punch, but when he couldn’t find anything he let out a frustrated yell and ran home, tears streaming down his face.

Once he was safely back in his bed, he buried his face in a pillow, screaming until his throat burned with pain and he could scream no more. This was it. He was losing it. He was losing the one thing that made life worth living.

His fingers itched for a razor, but he had already cut both thighs to ribbons. If he ventured beyond the boundaries of his boxers, his teammates might notice when they were changing. That was, if he was still part of the team.

Not knowing what else to do, Kageyama rummaged through his bag, throwing things everywhere until he found what he was looking for; a notebook and pencil. Flipping open to a random page, he started to scribble. The words came slowly at first, but soon everything that had been going through his head, everything he had been feeling, poured out onto the page. He continued writing until he could barely move his hand anymore.

He fell into a restful sleep for the first time since the accident, so deep that he didn’t even dream.

It took him a long time to drag himself into consciousness the next morning, but once he was able to focus on the clock, he bolted out of bed, realizing he was horridly late. He quickly stuffed everything that he had pulled from his bag last night back into it, snatched up his phone, and raced out the door.

He made it to school just in time, flopping into his chair just as the last bell rang. Time passed in a daze; he had a hard time staying away, his body wanting to fall back into that coma like sleep. 

Kageyama was relieved when the bell signaling the end of the school day rang. At least, until he remembered that he had to see what the punishment Daichi came up for him was. He gulped. He hoped he wasn’t going to get kicked off the team; he would do anything to avoid getting kicked off the team.

“Kageyama, I wanted to talk to you before you went and got changed,” Daichi said he approached the stairs to the clubroom.

Uh-oh. Kageyama’s heart dropped into his stomach. If Daichi wasn’t even allowing him to get changed, that probably meant he _was_ getting kicked off the team. He refused to look Daichi in the eye.

“I’m putting you on probation,” said Daichi. “Meaning you are allowed to stay on the team, but if this ever happens again, then you will immediately have your membership revoked. You’re also being punished; every night after practice, you will be cleaning the gym alone. Do you understand?”

Kageyama could feel his heart slowly start beating again. He was still on the team. “Yes,” he said.

“Good. Now get upstairs and get changed.”

Kageyama walked up the stairs to the clubroom, feeling as though he was walking on air. Thank god one thing was going right for him. Opening the door, the first thing he saw was Hinata faced away from him, changing into his gym clothes. He was going to have to figure out some way to deal with him, some way to be able to interact with him on the team without causing another scene.

Hinata turned and saw him, face immediately darkening. He snatched up his t-shirt, aggressively pulled it over his head, and stalked out of the clubroom, slamming the door behind him. Kageyama flinched. Of course Hinata hated him now. It only made sense. How were they ever going to work together to be able to get their attacks right when it felt like Hinata didn’t even want to be in the same room with him anymore? This didn’t feel right. He didn’t deserve to be on the team. He should walk downstairs and tell Daichi that he didn’t want to be on the team anymore, that he was sorry for being such a failure, for--

Someone tapped him on the shoulder, causing Kageyama to jump. It was only Tadashi.

“Oh, sorry Kageyama, I didn’t mean to startle you. I just wanted to ask if I could borrow your history notes?”

Kageyama blinked, his mind needing a moment to shift gears before he said, “Oh. Sure.” He pulled the notebook from his bag.

“Thanks.” Tadashi took the notebook and started flipping through the pages. Suddenly, he paused. “Wait, what’s this?” he said.

Tanaka peered over Tadashi’s shoulder, then guffawed at what he saw. Snatching the book from Tadashi’s hands, Tanaka began to read out loud, “‘I hate that I like you, I hate that I want you, I hate that I need you’...? Kageyama, what the hell is this?”

At the sound of the words he had written only the night before, Kageyama froze, terror flooding his body. He couldn’t even think any thoughts; the only thing occupying his mind was a long, loud scream. “I-I, uh,” he stammered. He tried desperately to think of something. “It’s an assignment for literary arts.”

“No it’s not,” said Tsukishima, who was in Kageyama’s class.

“Oh, I know what this is!” Tanaka yelled. “It’s a _love letter_ isn’t it? That’s why you’ve been in such a shitty mood lately; you’re in love with some girl but she doesn’t like you back.” Not knowing what else to say, Kageyama just gave a half shrug half nod. Tanaka laughed and said, “I knew it!” before going back to scanning the page. His smile started to fade as his eyes drifted down the page. “Jez, Kageyama, this gets kinda dark…”

Before Tanaka could read much more, Kageyama snatched the notebook from his hands and stuffed it back into his backpack. “Let’s just go to practice,” he said.

Sliding the door to the gym open, Tanaka yelled out to the other boys, “Guess what! Kageyama’s in _love_ .”

Kageyama pushed him and muttered, “Why do you have to be such a loudmouth about everything?”

“Who is it?” Nishinoya asked teasingly.

“I don’t know, some girl,” said Tanaka.

Kageyama couldn’t help but look over at Hinata only to find him already gazing across the gym at him. When Hinata saw Kageyama notice him, he turned away.

Practice went well; now that Kageyama was moving around instead of sitting at a desk, he was starting to wake up and his mind clear. He found himself more centered that he usually did, getting so into the game that nothing else entered his mind. Daichi called for everyone to cool down as the sun began to set. After everyone had finished, they all headed up to the clubroom, leaving Kageyama alone to put everything away.

He wandered around the gym, picking up volleyballs and trying to shoot them into the large basket they kept the balls in.

“You’re not very good at this, you know.”

Turning, Kageyama saw Tsukishima standing in the doorway, arms folded.

Kageyama turned back and said, “Well, there’s a reason why I’m not a basketball player.”

“I mean everything that’s going on with Hinata.”

“What are you talking about?” Kageyama growled.

“Please, like you don’t know. I used to be like you, you know. Hurt, angry, convinced that if I let anyone in, they would turn around and bite me one day.” Kageyama scoffed and turned back to the volleyballs. “Indulge me,” said Tsukishima. “The point, in general, of pushing people away is to avoid being hurt in the future, correct?”

“I guess so,” mumbled Kageyama.

“But if it hurts to be isolated, you’re not really doing what you set out to achieve, are you?”

Kageyama paused, then said, “So then how does one avoid being hurt?”

“Well, that’s the thing. It’s impossible to avoid getting hurt. It’s going to happen no matter what we do. That’s why it’s better to indulge. If the choice is to be hurt now by not being with a person, or getting hurt by a person later, isn’t it better to be with that person? So that way you can at least have the good parts lift the bad parts up?” 

There was a long silence.

Tsukishima sighed. “Well, just think about what I said. Bye.” With that, he was gone.

Could Tsukishima possibly be right? Could the good things of people outweigh the bad things they were going to do in the future? Was there a point to getting attached to someone even if you knew they were going to leave you in the future?

Tsukishima was right on one point; Kageyama was in a terrible amount of pain. And what if getting closer to Hinata did end up helping him? But how could he not have pain in future? The closer he got to Hinata, the more he would have to watch things like him and Nishinoya being together. Wouldn’t it just be better to be by himself than to have to go through the torture of watching that?

He didn’t know what to do. It felt like no matter what choice he made, he was going to end up miserable.

Something that Hinata said the day before flashed through his mind; _you can’t ignore your feelings, you have to talk to someone about them._ Maybe Hinata was right. It didn’t seem like he was getting anywhere on his own; maybe if he was able to tell someone flat out what was going on, they could help him figure out some sort of plan. But, who? He didn’t have any friends. How could he possibly find someone he trusted enough to ask about this.

Slowly, Kageyama finished cleaning up the gym and locked up. By the time he got up to the clubroom, everyone else had gone home. That was okay. Things were always easier when he was alone anyway.


	4. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tanaka invites Kageyama over to figure out what the hell his problem with Hinata is.

Kageyama started on his way home, limbs heavy from hours of practice. At the school gate, he heard someone calling his name. Turning, he saw Tanaka running toward him.

“Kageyama, let’s hang out today!” he said as he approached.

“No thanks.” 

He tried to turn for home, but Tanaka wrapped an arm around his shoulders and said, “Why not?”

Over Tanaka’s shoulder, Kageyama could see Suga and Daichi, watching them. Oh. So they had sent Tanaka over.

“You do want to stay on the team, don’t you?” asked Tanaka.

Kageyama turned his withering glare to the other boy. “Is that a threat?” he growled.

Tanaka paled slightly at Kageyama’s menacing stare but waved his hands and said, “No, no. But if you don’t figure out a way to talk to Hinata without making him burst into tears you won’t be here much longer, right?”

As much as he hated it, Tanaka was right. He was currently headed down a bad path and if he didn’t find out how to get on a good one, things were just going to keep heading downhill. With a sigh, Kageyama grumbled, “Fine.”

“Nice!” None too subtly, Tanaka turned and gave Suga and Daichi a thumbs up.

“Can we just go now?” Kageyama asked sharply.

Tanaka led the way to his house, almost in the complete opposite direction from Kageyama’s house. Kageyama sighed internally, thinking about the long walk he was going to have after this.

“Here we are!” Tanaka said, leading Kageyama to the front door of a house that looked eerily similar to all the other houses on the street. Throwing the door open, Tanaka yelled, “I’m home!”

“Yay, big brothers home!” came a squeal and a moment later a little girl about four years old came running into the hallway. She looked just like Tanaka, but if Tanaka had been born cute. And a girl.

The girl took a running jump and latched herself on Tanaka’s waist. Tanaka grabbed her underneath the armpits and hoisted her high in the air to her incredible delight.

“Welcome home, Ryu. How was your day? And who’s this?” said a pretty woman who had just stepped into the hallway. She had long brown hair pulled back into a low ponytail and kind eyes.

“Mom, this is a friend from school. He’s on the volleyball team with me.”

“Nice to meet you,” said Kageyama, bowing slightly. “My name is Kageyama Tobio.”

“Nice to meet you, Tobio.” 

Something about her saying his first name, the way she had for Tanaka, made him smile. Kageyama looked down and focused on taking off his shoes.

“We have stuff to work on, so we’re going up to my room, okay?”

“Okay, sweetie, have fun.”

Kageyama followed Tanaka up to his room. Tanaka closed the door behind them. Looking around the room, Kageyama couldn’t really see anything special about it, until he noticed something hanging up on the opposite wall. It was a cork board filled with dozens upon dozens of photos, so many that they spilled over the sides and were now just taped to the wall. The pictures varied only in their backgrounds; the majority of the photos were of Tanaka with other people; his parents, his sister, teammates, friends. It almost seemed as though Tanaka had a photo of himself with every person he had ever met.

Tanaka threw his bag on the floor and flopped onto his bed. “So, tell me about this girl you like.”

“Jez, you get right to the point,” said Kageyama. “Is that why you invited me over? So you could make fun of me some more?”

Pushing himself up onto his elbows, Tanaka said, “I wouldn’t make fun of you about something like this. And I’m not going to tell anyone about whatever you say, I promise. Senpai-kohai confidentiality.” 

Kageyama was quiet, thinking. Could he possibly talk about how he liked Hinata in a vague enough way that Tanaka would think they were talking about some girl? What if Tanaka figured out who they were talking about? Would Tanaka still keep it a secret?

“Tell you what,” said Tanaka. “To prove to you that you can trust me and that I won’t tell anyone about anything you tell me today, I will tell you a secret of mine. Something that I’ve never told anyone about.”

Kageyama mused at what Tanaka’s big bad secret could possibly be; probably some porno mag or something. Either way, the offer amused him enough to say, “Fine.”

Leaping up, Tanaka went to the bedroom door and locked it. Kageyama frowned. Tanaka undid the top button of his pants and began to pull them down.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Kageyama yelled.

“Shh, Kageyama, my mom will hear you,” Tanaka hissed. “And calm down, this isn’t anything you haven’t seen before.” Pulling his pants down to below his knees, Tanaka turned around and pointed to the area that was the back of his knee. “See?”

Kageyama couldn’t see from where he was, so, unwillingly, he bent closer. He didn’t notice anything at first, but then he saw it; little white nicks covering the area. Kageyama was very familiar with what they were; cutting scars. He wondered how he hadn’t noticed them before, now that he was closer, the scars were glaringly obvious. He must not have ever noticed because Tanaka was always wearing pants or--

“This is a good place to cut because my knee pads cover it.”

Now this was an interesting development. He never would have guessed that Tanaka’s secret was so close to one of his own.

Pulling up his pants, Tanaka said, “Now, do you promise to speak the whole truth, the full truth, and nothing but the truth?”

He wasn’t willing to do all that, but he certainly trusted Tanaka a little bit more now, so he said, “Fine.”

Tanaka smiled. “So what’s so special about this girl?”

“She’s, um, pretty?” Kageyama wasn’t sure what else to say.

“Okay.” There was a pause. “And?”

“She has...nice hair.”

Tanaka stared at him for a moment, then said, “Okay, the reason why you like her isn’t important. What is important is the fact that you told her your feelings and she rejected you, so now your heart is broken.”

“Not exactly,” said Kageyama slowly. “I haven’t actually told her I like her.”

“Oh, so it’s unrequited love?”

“Don’t you have to know for sure that the other person doesn’t like you for it to be unrequited?” asked Kageyama.

“So you’re saying there _is_ a chance she likes you.”

“I don’t know...I mean, if she did before, she definitely doesn’t now.”

“Why, what did you do?”

Kageyama’s heart beat faster. He couldn’t really go into the details of what happened without Tanaka figuring out they were talking about Hinata. “I was...mean.”

“Why were you mean to her if you like her?”

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” Kageyama snapped. “I just don’t know how to talk to her right anymore. Especially since I’m pretty sure she likes someone else.”

“Oh? There’s another guy?”

“Yeah, they seem pretty...close.”

Tanaka sat, thinking for a minute before saying, “What I don’t understand is what liking this girl has to do with Hinata.”

“What?”

“You’ve been in a really shitty mood because you want this girl to like you back, right? But for some reason, you’ve been taking all your frustration about it on Hinata. Why him over any other person?” Suddenly, Tanaka’s face lit up. “Wait! I know why--Hinata’s the other guy, isn’t he?? You’re mad that Hinata’s taking the girl you like!”

Kageyama rolled his eyes and said, “No.”

With a frown, Tanaka flopped back on the bed. Staring at the ceiling, he said, “Well, whatever it is, you’re going to have to tell this girl you like her.”

“What? Why?” Kageyama’s heart started to pound at the thought of telling Hinata he liked him.

“Right now, you’re in pain because you have to see this girl you like being with another guy when you think you could be together. Going along this road, you’re just going to get more and more miserable as you have to continue watching her date other guys when you want her to date you. But the thing is, she can’t date you because she doesn’t even know that you’re an option. If she did, then she might pick you and your dream will have come true. But if she doesn’t then you’ll know for sure and be able to move on and find a girl that does like you.”

There was a long moment of silence as Kageyama considered this. Before he could say anything, a voice drifted up the stairs. “Boys, dinner’s ready!”

Kageyama made for the door but Tanaka stopped him.

"Wait, let's take a picture first!" Tanaka snatched up a camera that way lying on his bedside table, wrapped an arm around Kageyama and snapped a picture before Kageyama could protest. The camera made a whirring sound, then after a few seconds it spit out a picture from a slot at the bottom. Tanaka grabbed it and waved the photo back and forth to help it develop while he looked for some tape. As soon as he located it, he found a singular blank spot on the wall and pasted the picture up.

"What is all this?" asked Kageyama.

"These are the pictures of all the important people in my life."

"There has to be well over a hundred photos here; how do you keep up with all these people? How can they all be important?"

"Some of these people have passed, some have drifted away, and some have left on bad terms."

"So why do you still keep all these pictures? If those people drifted away or weren't good for you, why have them up here?"

"Because they're still important. They played an important role in my life, and I played an important part in theirs. Even though we may not talk anymore, I still hope good things happen to them. So here I have a memorial to all the important people in my life, all the people who shaped me into who I am now. Including you." He nudged Kageyama and said, "Come on, I'm hungry."

The pair went downstairs to the table. Beside Tanaka’s sister and mother, there was a man sitting at the table, who Kageyama assumed was Tanaka’s dad. Kageyama sat quietly, watching and listening as Tanaka’s family laughed and talked about their day. It was interesting, almost like watching an animal documentary. He had never had the experience of having family dinner, so it was interesting to see first hand what it would have been like if his parents had...been different. 

The food tasted different, too. It was curry, which Kageyama had had plenty of times before, but never homemade. He’d never had anyone to teach him to cook, so he usually ordered out or bought something from the convenience store on the corner. He never understood before why people liked home cooked food over other types of food, but now he knew.

When dinner was over, Kageyama thanked Tanaka’s mom for dinner and headed to the door. Tanaka followed him.

“You should come over more,” he said. “I think it’d be good for you.”

“Yes,” said Kageyama. “And...thank you for the advice, senpai.”

Tanaka smiled at the use of the honorific. “No problem!”


End file.
